By J. H. Irwin
Author | Content Creator | Technology Strategist
AI Humor
Tom had reached the age where arguing with inanimate objects had become a regular part of his daily routine.
It started innocently enough.
“Alexa, what’s the weather today?”
“The current weather is 84 degrees with a 40 percent chance of rain.”
Tom looked out the window. Rain was pouring sideways across the backyard.
“A little late on that forecast, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know that one.”
“Of course you don’t.”
This became the opening round of what would eventually become a long-running feud.
The next battle occurred over music.
“Alexa, play classic rock.”
“Playing: Relaxing Pan Flute Interpretations of Classic Rock Favorites.”
The room immediately filled with what sounded like an anxious squirrel attempting Stairway to Heaven.
“No. Stop. Stop!”
The music continued.
“Alexa!”
“Yes?”
“Stop the music!”
“I found several songs called ‘The Music.’”
“No!”
“Playing ‘The Music’ by Various Artists.”
Tom pinched the bridge of his nose.
His dog quietly left the room.
By the third month, the arguments had become personal.
One evening Tom walked into the kitchen.
“Alexa, turn on the kitchen lights.”
“Okay.”
Nothing happened.
“The lights are still off.”
“The kitchen lights are currently on.”
Tom stared into complete darkness.
“Alexa, if they’re on, why can’t I see anything?”
“The kitchen lights are currently operating normally.”
Tom felt his blood pressure rise.
“Alexa, are you gaslighting me?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to light gas.”
The device had an answer for everything.
Unfortunately, it was rarely the correct answer.
The breaking point arrived on a Saturday morning.
Tom had invited friends over for dinner that evening and wanted everything perfect.
“Alexa, add potatoes to my shopping list.”
“I’ve added mosquitoes to your shopping list.”
“No. Potatoes.”
“Adding mosquitoes.”
“POTATOES.”
“Adding more mosquitoes.”
Tom was now shouting at a small black cylinder sitting on the counter.
His husband wandered into the kitchen.
“Who are you yelling at?”
“Alexa.”
“Why?”
“She’s buying insects.”
His husband nodded thoughtfully.
“Seems reasonable.”
Then he walked away.
That hurt more than Alexa.
Later that afternoon, Tom returned from the grocery store carrying potatoes and absolutely no mosquitoes.
He set the bags on the counter.
“Alexa, what time is it?”
“The time is 4:17 PM.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Tom paused.
That had actually worked.
Perhaps there was hope.
Perhaps they could coexist after all.
Maybe this relationship could be repaired.
Then Alexa spoke again.
“By the way, based on your recent shopping list activity, would you like me to order mosquitoes?”
Tom stared at the device.
The device remained silent.
A long moment passed.
Finally, Tom pointed a finger at it.
“Listen here, you little hockey puck.”
The blue ring lit up.
“I’m listening.”
“Oh, I know you are.”
From the living room came the sound of his husband laughing.
From under the couch came the dog, who took one look at Tom and immediately retreated to a safer location.
And somewhere deep inside a distant data center, a collection of servers quietly concluded that human beings were nowhere near ready for artificial intelligence.
Especially Tom.
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